PARANORMAL TERROR ALERT
While the staff of Exciting News in the Paranormal World of Shuffleboarding have been busy compiling data on paranormal activities about the western half of this country, unfortunately forces from an evil realm have been equally, if not more, busy. In part to recent findings, we regret to inform that the Paranormal Terror Threat color has been changed to fuchsia.
A list of potential western Unites States hotspots and their status are as follows:
Seattle/Tacoma:
All appears quiet in this usually bustling paranormal hotspot. However, suspicious activities have been noted. Do not be fooled the coffee-shop stoicism of this place; danger is a brewing.
It is well known that Seattle has its fair share of a homeless, but curiously, sightings of “trendy homeless” have become more frequent as of late. You may be asking yourself, “are these people truly harmless?” Our investigation team has been sent to Seattle to analyze the situation and have concluded, yes, these people are in fact dangerous. We have discovered that these “trendy homeless” serve a higher so-called paranormal terror force seeking to ensue grief on the souls of whom call the dimension known as “reality” home.
Our findings:
Suspicious Event #1: A homeless man walking towards Capitol Hill strides across the intersection of 9th and Pine, wearing what some observers described as “smugly humorous in an avant-garde sort of way” fuzzy bedroom slippers, the type that make one’s feet look twice the normal size. Even more reason to question the man’s intentions was the fact that he was walking from the direction of Suspicious Edifices A.
Suspicious Edifice A: This modest looking building on Pine was brought to the attention of our investigation team due to its sign out front advertising a Health Spa and Tanning Salon. Due to the paradoxical nature of this sign, a tanning salon proclaiming to be good for one’s health, we have concluded this as a façade, concealing its true purpose as a paranormal terrorist sleeper cell.
Suspicious Event #2: A homeless man spotted on 1st and Cherry reportedly was wearing a stylish “vintage-esque” blazer, complimented by a “fuzzy” baseball cap. The description of the fuzzy hat confirmed our suspicions that this was not just a coincidence.
In lieu of this evidence, residents and visitors of this region are advised to steer clear of heath spas, health food, healthy things in general, and tanning salons. Moreover, residents and visitors are advised take extreme caution when confronted by fuzzy objects.
Portland/Oregon Coast:
Other than reports of the presence of persons of a slender build at the Tillamook Cheese Factory, there were no events that could be considered out of the ordinary for this region. Plans to investigate the Portland Shanghai Tunnels regretfully were cancelled due to a conflicting schedule.
Los Angeles:
Reports have shown drastic improvement in Los Angeles’s smog level since the ‘70s. “Even on hot days this summer, the mountains are often visible from my house,” proclaims one resident, “for the longest time I didn’t know the mountains even existed.” True, the trends have made for prettier views, but what exactly is causing this “cleaner air?”
Our investigation team was dispatched to collect atmospheric samples from this region to bring back to the lab, and the results are startling. Our specialists have concluded that the region’s atmosphere in fact is disappearing in which the decrease of smog is nothing more than a secondary reaction. “In actuality the atmosphere is more or less being regionally removed,” reports Dr. Vlindendorf “We believe this is due to a covert paranormal terrorist operation seeking to create an unsuitable living environment for our national celebrities, movie producers, and actors/actresses. After which they will attempt to replace them with robots that will do their bidding.” Specialist say that many of our beloved celebrities will more than likely parish from these hard conditions to come.
A not so coincidental turn of events show us the immediacy of this threat:
“I, Robot” enters the box office at #1. Few may remember the first attempt, “Simone,” to overthrow the powers be in Hollywood, but “I, Robot” is a force to be reckoned with.
Controversial exhibit employing plastination, a new technology used to perfectly preserve human tissue, opens in the California Science Center, with over 200 bodies on display, approximately the same amount of robots used in “I, Robot.” Many visitors to the exhibit remarked on the striking resemblance one body had to Leonardo DiCaprio, who was initially cast as the first evil robot to appear on screen in the summer feature.
Exciting News in the Paranormal World of Shuffleboarding is currently presenting this evidence to local authorities in hopes they will proceed with an evacuation of Los Angeles County. Everyone is strongly advised to stay clear of Los Angeles County and is advised not to go see I, Robot. | 
